


I choose death before dishonour (I'd rather die than live down on my knees Bury me like a soldier, with my dignity!)

by lovbot



Category: Marvel
Genre: Army Bucky, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Steve POV, Wedding, emotional tension, photographer steve, slight PTSD, war flash backs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-13
Packaged: 2018-07-23 18:39:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7475508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovbot/pseuds/lovbot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone is convinced that Clint's best man, Sergeant Barnes is a myth, although Natasha insists he exists, the others tease Clint about him being his imaginary friend, until the wedding of course, where everyone, including Steve who is also the photographer of the night, cant help but gawk at the man.Natasha had been trying to get him to meet, Steve could see why and when Clint dumps Bucky with Steve for a few days before Bucky has to ship back out to some unknown location Steve cant help but slowly fall for the cold, stand-offish man, even if he is completely different around steve but cant act on it due to his army ranking job, eventually Bucky goes back to his old cold ways and leaves Steve hurting and what feels like heartbreak, a history repeating itself. What brings him back nearly a year later? What happened while he was gone? And of course the most important question of them all: Can they be together now?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I choose death before dishonour (I'd rather die than live down on my knees Bury me like a soldier, with my dignity!)

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be like eight chapters but i merged them into two because i'm lazy, also i pushed all my insecurities on to steve and made Bucky a dick for some of it but really he has no choice bc the army are stupid, also I suck at writing but this has been stuck in my head for weeks so here goes (Next chapter will be up who tf knows when) ily (Credit to Five Finger Death punch for the title and the chapter titles)

"I'm paying you, Steve. _Don't_ be stupid!" Nat told me. "Nat, no! It would be my pleasure to photograph your wedding, free of charge!" I laughed. "Don't even try, Steve. She'll find a way to somehow give you the money, trust me, she's sneaky like that." Clint laughed from the kitchen. We were having our monthly group dinner, the others were to arrive soon enough. "So it's settled then, we're paying you." Nat smirked with a devilish look on her face. I groaned and took a sip of my beer sitting in front of him. "You two are the perfect match." I mumbled under my breath.

Clint is Steve's friend but Steve doesn't have many friends so Clint is classified his best friend, along with Sam, of course, but they aren't freakishly close like other best friends, normally they only speak maybe twice or three times a week, more so now that the wedding is only three days away, that's why Steve isn't a grooms men at the wedding, not that he minded, he'd voiced that to Clint in the early days of planning. "You two leaving it to the last minute so I can't refuse." I shook my head. Steve grew a custom to Natasha pretty easily, she felt kind of like another one of the guys, obviously a lot is different but he did seem to fit right in and Clint really liked her so she stuck around. A clash at the door made Nat laugh. "Sounds like Tony is here." Tony was Natasha's childhood best friend, they were almost like a package deal, although Tony isn't around a lot, always being dragged away on business trips, he owned one of the biggest car manufacturing companies in the world, monthly dinners with him were more like every six month dinners. Not that Steve was any better, being a well enough known wedding photographer that people personally requested him, some small celebrities included. Nat left to let Tony in, while I sat and thought of what lenses and camera's I would use for the 'Clintasha' wedding, as it was labelled on the invite, an inside joke between a few of us. "I didn't expect this to still be going on so close to the wedding." Tony spoke, loud, like always. "Stark." I stood, smiling and shaking the shorter man's hand. "Rogers." He shook just as firmly back. There was a knock at the door and I told the others I would get it. I walked through the small living area to reach the door and instantly pulled into a hug. "Steven! My man!" Thor was a hugger, had been since I first met him. "Thor, stop trying to squeeze Steve's guts out and get in here!" Clint stuck his head into the front area of the house. "So who else is coming?" Tony asked once everyone was situated around the table, drinks in hand, Clint cooking dinner. "Uh, actually you're all going to meet Bucky for the first time tonight." Clint stuck his head in from the kitchen. "He's landing in around about now and coming straight here." Clint looked up at the clock. Everyone laughed. "Ah, The infamous Sergeant James Barnes." Tony mocked. Everyone didn't believe he existed, Clint only had photos of them as children and no one but Nat had met him, and even that was a brief introduction, but he was Clint's best man so everyone took his word for it, even if we made endless jokes about his imaginary friend. "What about Banner?" Tony questioned, trying to sound casual but his voice came out a little quieter than usual and everyone jumped down his throat about it, teasing him. I sat back and watched the people I called my friends, bicker.

Nat had been telling me that I would get along well with Bucky, all the stories Clint had told her had her telling Steve how old fashioned Bucky was, similar to Steve. "I'm not old fashioned!" Steve had protested but Nat had shrugged it off at the time. "All jokes aside, No Banner isn't coming, he's gone off to some retreat until the wedding, and you know him, the introverted geek." Nat laughed fondly. "Dinner will be ready in an hour, Buck texted me and told me he would be here in half an hour, everything's going nicely." Clint spoke as he finally came to the table to sit with us. Half way into a huge debate about which Star Wars movie was the best my phone rang. Nat gave me a warning look, I shrugged. "Its work, it could be important." I mumbled, leaving the room and answering the phone. "Maria? What's wrong?" I questioned, I knew she would be the only one ringing from my office at this time. She sniffed and that's what scared me. "Maria? Are you okay?" I pressed. "S-Steve? T-The Clementine wedding photos, they're gone!" She was panicking a little. "Maria, its fine." I sighed. "I have the memory card in my apartment, we'll just get them off that and start on them tomorrow." Steve seemed confused. "Steve... They're meant to be sent out the day after tomorrow!" Maria reminded Steve. With all the weddings he'd done recently he didn't keep up with who was who and what orders were due when, he just worked on whatever Maria handed him, she was the business side of the company, she didn't edit photos but without her management it would have burnt to the ground years ago. "Okay, crap. I'll come in now, Call Sam and Darcy, explain to them what's happened and get them in if they can, if they're busy tell them not to worry, we have a rough night ahead of us." I bid my goodbye and grabbed my backpack from where I had placed it at the door. "Steve! No!" Nat scolded when she I walked back into the dining room. "Nat, yes." I mimicked. "I'm sorry man, emergency at work, the photos disappeared and they're due to be sent off early the day after tomorrow so we have to edit them all again." I said as I hugged Clint goodbye. "You're a traitor." Nat whispered in my ear. "Guess you'll just have to wait till the wedding to meet Bucky." She also had whispered, hugging me way too long. I said goodbye to the others.

I ran into Sam walking into the building, he looked tired, holding a tray of coffees. I took the one he pointed at and thanked him. "Thought you were at your Dinner?" Sam asked. "I was." I said as we took the stairs to the top floor, the elevator was shut off after 8pm. It was only six floors up. Sam gave me a questioning glance. Everyone knew that when I went out I was not to be disturbed, I only went out with people who were clients or people from work very rarely so everyone has a silent agreement to leave me be, which I don't completely mind. "Sorry to wake you..." I spoke. Sam just nodded as I opened the door to the office for him. "Coffee's arrived." Sam called out to the two girls who instantly came over, thanking and greeting Sam and I with kisses on his cheek. "Sam, got the coffee I can't take credit for that." I shrugged. "Okay, bring the big screen up." I nodded to Maria once we all sat in the big meeting room, only the four of us. "We'll have to go back through and pick which pictures, there's over 400, we'll split them up into three separate USB's and work on our shares, once you're done, send them to Maria, she'll order them and then we can all get to printing physical copies and organising those and then print the books out like we would have done tomorrow." I spoke, taking the boss role on, which I hardly did. The editing was what took longest, it only takes a few hours for the printing and stuff so normally we do that the day of or before shipping them so they don't get ruined. It would take us all night to edit the three hundred and twenty-three photos we picked out, this wedding had been particularly big and the couple had wanted everything and one photographed. "Okay, I'm the wedding party and family, Sam, you're guests and Darcy you're scenery and other, got it?" I asked, handing them their retrospective USB's to work on. They took them respectfully and we all started work on our computers. I had asked Maria to bring in the better chairs we had for clients and the pillows from the waiting room so everyone would be as comfortable as possible. We'd been working for four hours when Maria offered to do a run for more coffee and food, which we were all extremely great-full for. Sam sighed from across the table and started to walk around the room, "Need to stretch my legs." He mumbled, also cracking his knuckles in the process. Maria soon came back with food and coffee, we worked through eating. The sun was starting to come up before we knew it. Darcy had finished her photos, going off into the printing room to get the copies to make to books, Sam and I had a few more photos than Darcy because of how big the wedding had been, lots of people. "Steve, I've finished." Sam spoke, a while later, a small smile gracing his lips as Maria handed him another USB full of what I am guessing are his photos, edited and put in order. "Thanks, Mar." He kissed her head and she blushed. "Steve?" Maria asked. "Yeah?" I mumbled as I edited one of my favourite photos of the groomsmen. "Did Clint and Nat finally ask you to photograph their wedding?" She laughed, everyone saw it coming when I had filled them in on the three days I would be taking off for the wedding and the fact that they hadn't gotten a photographer for their wedding yet. "Yeah, but they- well Nat, won't let me do it for free." I rolled my eyes. Maria laughed and then the room was swallowed in silence again. "DONE!" I called a good twenty minutes later, it was currently 10am, and other workers would be showing up soon, not many but still. It took us until 3 pm to get finished with everything, a few crafty interns taking over for Sam and Darcy when I told them to go take a nap in the break room, which had two decent sized lounges, people crashed or napped here when we had big projects, sleep deprived workers just called for editing disasters. "Hey, we did it!" Maria held her hand up to high five me once we walked out of the post office. I high five her laughing before pulling her into a hug. "Tell everyone at the office that they can go home if they'd like, no one has much work and what they do I'm sure they can stay and finish or take home with them to do, I'll see you in three days." I dropped her off at the building, she took off the helmet she had on and took it with her, I always had an extra one kept at the office in case of someone needing a ride, my bike was my prized possession, and everyone knew that.

I worked on packing my photography equipment and an extra suit into a small bag I would keep with the bike just incise I got my first one dirty taking photos before cooking some pasta and passing out on my bed in my studio apartment. I woke up early and went for a run, stopping by Sam's place to bring him a coffee, knowing he would already be awake. "Oh, hey! Thanks man." Same spoke as I passed him the coffee through the door. "Don't want to intrude, just wanted to pay you back." I smiled. I spoke with Sam for half an hour before telling him I had to leave, I had stuff to do before I left later that afternoon to go to a hotel for Nat and Clint's wedding. I showered, got into casual clothes and edited some photos Maria had sent to me last night after I had told her to go home already. Later that afternoon I strapped my equipment in and rode my bike to the hotel everyone was staying at. I was to stay with Nat, update Clint on her situations, I'd rather be around Nat at this time, to be completely honest, Clint didn't really deal when he was nervous or feeling pressured, I'm sure his best man will calm him, plus the bridal photography always seemed to be a little more important. "Steve!" Nat smiled, gripping me in a hug. I'd gone straight to her room with some photography equipment after I had set my bags in my room. "She's had some tequila..." Sharon, Nat's friend laughed when she saw the look on my face. "Ahh... Ease the nerves." I laughed. I let the girls continue with whatever they were doing and just took some photos. Nat thanked me with a kiss on the cheek when I left, obviously I blushed. I had to be at Nat's room early in the morning to photograph the preparation but I checked in on Clint first, not meaning to stay although they roped me in. "Where's The Sergeant?" Thor laughed, clasping his hand around Clint's shoulder, I'm surprised that we hadn't gotten a noise complaint yet, Clint had taken his hearing aids out for the night so everyone was talking a little louder. "He was tired from his flight and socialising with you baboons the other night." Clint joked. I smiled and snapped a few photos before insisting on leaving before the coaxed me into something I would regret like the many other times.

 

* * *

 

After a morning of rushing about we had finally made it to the ceremony, I had brought the bike after all, Nat insisting she wanted the most kick ass picture in front of it while prettied up. During the ceremony I was completely caught up in getting the perfect photos, not paying attention to who was who or names and faces, just my job. I left them to socialise as I took my bike to the area Nat had pointed out to me earlier, where she wanted the staged photos to be taken. They took a few minutes to make their way over, the wedding party was only small, all together there was six of them, which was actually quite perfect for the photos I’d planned to take around this scenery. The first thing I did was take Nat and Clint to the bike, the closest thing to where we were currently standing, staging a bunch of photos, a few candid, the rest posed. "God your bossy when you're doing your job, Steve." Clint joked. "Hey, your wife wants these to be good pictures and that's difficult when half of the focus is on your ugly mug." I joked back, that made them both laugh and I snapped a picture, them gently lent against the beautiful bike, Nat's hand on Clint's chest with both their heads tilted back, laughing. As I formally introduced myself to everyone else I felt Nat's eyes glued to me, I knew she was waiting for me to introduce myself to James. "Hi, _I'm-_ " "Steve, you're exactly how Clint described you." He smiled and I think I died, I obviously blushed and stuttered a little. "Nice to finally meet you, Clint has talked so much about you, thanks for taking care of him." James shook my hand. "I'm glad I can finally put a face to your name, well one that isn't the face of a six year old." I laughed, drawing my hand back, realising we had been shaking hands for a little longer than normal. I continued in taking my photos, and like I assumed, ruined my suit. Clint burst into laughter once I got off the ground, dirt covering my white undershirt, Nat looked a little nervous. "I always pack another, don't worry." I assured, moving behind them all while they posed, the sun setting giving off the best lighting, I was glad Nat had chosen the time she had, it was perfect. I took photos as I posed everyone, they joked around and I took a few candid shots, I asked for both Nat and Clint's hands and took photos of the rings and the details of their clothing, although I'd mostly done this already with Nat. After about forty minutes we were done. "Can I ride with you?" One of Nat's bridesmaids asked, Jane. "Uh... Yeah. Sure." I shrugged. The reception was very close, in a cute little town hall that had been done up, I'd taken photos of it already so that was fine. Jane sat sideways on my bike, so she didn't ruin her dress. The hall was only about half a mile down the empty country road, we'd be fine. I made sure I went slowly and when we arrived I alerted the MC for the night that he would be introducing the entrance of them all very soon, Jane was waiting outside for them. I changed into my second suit behind the venue quickly, not wanting the guests to see me. I took pictures of the guests while I waited for the others to arrive. When they entered I couldn't help but laugh, the boys twirling their partners, I photographed them, the woman's dresses flaring slightly at the bottom. James hadn't worn his uniform like the others had joked about, surprisingly. His suit was grey pinstriped, just like Thor's. Nat and Clint were introduced as Mr and Mrs Barton, everyone cheered, and I took photos of their entrance as well as the guests.

I continued taking photos throughout the night, Nat and her bridesmaids laughing in the bathrooms, touching up makeup and fixing each other’s dresses, the cake, candy bar, the sweet notes everyone was writing in the wedding book, the decor and of course the guests, the guests laughing, the guests with each other or Nat and Clint, although everyone dancing and laughing, having a good time was my favourite thing to photograph. Leaning down to my bag to change my lens to one that would work better with the moving crowd I felt someone's presence behind me. "Why don't you just enjoy yourself, put the camera down a little?" I fixed my lens and stood back up, being met with Natasha, glaring at me. She had changed out of her wedding dress and was wearing a nice slimming red dress that reached just above her knees, her heels had been changed to some, safe-to-dance-in flats. "Nat-" she cut me off. "Steve, put it down and come dance with me, please." She pouted. "Ugh." I scoffed and placed my camera in my bag. Nat took my hand and we danced for a song before being interrupted by Jane, one of the bridesmaids. "Of course you can dance with him!" Nat laughed, letting go of me. I stared daggers at her, not to sound vain but Jane obviously fancied me a little and Nat knew that, what Nat also knew was that I strictly did not swing for her team. "You must really like photography to have made a career out of it." She smiled. "Yeah, I enjoy it which is good. It's always best having a career you enjoy doing." I made small talk, although I felt awkward doing so, as if I was leading the poor woman on. After one song Clint snatched me away, demanding my attention. "Dude, look." Clint pointed over to the door that lead out to the little outside area, where the smokers tended to go. What I saw made my eyes bulge out of my head. "When did that happen!?" I blurted. "God you boys are oblivious." Nat laughed, sticking her head between us, her eyes looking at the two men who were standing close together, hands nearly touching. "Banner and Stark, though?" Clint asked. "I'm sure it's nothing." I shrugged. Nat rolled her eyes. "Yeah, nothing. Whatever you say boys." She laughed and went back to dancing and mingling. "Where's James?" I questioned Clint after we both ignored what we had just seen. "Uh, he isn't much of a dancer." Clint shrugged, looking around the room. The music quickly escalated to upbeat dance music and soon enough everyone was mucking about on the dance floor, even Clint and I's old friend from college, Scott, was dancing, I think he had had a bit too many. "I'm going to get some air!" I shouted over the music, pointing to the door. Clint nodded and shooed me off with a hand gesture. I went outside and leant against the railing, catching my breath. I didn't realise that anyone else bar the three people at the opposite end of the outside area smoking were even out here. "Having fun?" I heard from behind me, I jumped and clutched at my chest. "God, stealthy one you are." I joked, maybe I had too much to drink, Nat just kept handing them to me, I only had three, I don't know what they were but they tasted good. "Hardly." James scoffed. "So Sargent Barnes-" I laughed. "How are you enjoying the wedding?" I finished. "Please, it's Bucky when I'm home, Sargent Barnes is what my men call me, too formal." He shrugged off. "Okay, Bucky, How are you enjoying the wedding?" I asked again. He laughed and lent against the railing beside me. "I'm glad it's finally happening, it's about time." He laughed, his eyes crinkling at the sides, so cute. I laughed along. "How long are you back?" I asked after a minute or two of silence. "I mean if you don't mind me asking." I quickly added. "It's okay, I'm here for a five days, and I ship back out early Thursday morning." I nodded my head. "That's a shame." I blurted. Bucky glanced over at me questioningly. I shrugged. "Ask Nat, she has this weird thing about you and I meeting, I don't know, she's weird." I laughed, nervously. "Well, to tell you the truth, you seem like a cool guy, I don't normally talk to people outside the army besides Clint but I think I could with you, I'm... It's weird." Ja-Bucky turned so his elbows were resting on the railing and he could look out at the scenery. "You should come in and dance." I muttered. "Yeah? I'm not really one for dancing." Bucky shrugged. "Not even if I asked?" I mumbled, I had become so shy around Ja-Bucky all of a sudden. "Especially not if you asked." Bucky sighed, ouch. "Oh." I squeaked and turned to leave, the situation becoming awkward but Bucky grabbed my arm. "Hey wait!" He yanked me a little hard, so I stopped in my tracks. "Not because it's you, because if I'm seen... You'd be surprised how much gets back to the army, me dancing with another guy, they don't take lightly to that... That type of thing... Y'know?" Bucky looked so conflicted. I nodded my head, looking down at his hand still wrapped around my arm, which he removed as soon as he realised he was still holding it. "That must be tough." I mumbled. "Yeah, especially when you are actually gay." Bucky whispered as if someone would hear him. "Does Clint know?" I asked. "Yeah... I told him when we were younger but he knows not to tell anyone, as soon as I applied I became two people, Bucky-" he gestured to himself. "And James." He shuttered. "You'd be surprised how different he is." Bucky shrugged, stepping back to rest against the railing again. "One day, I'm sure you'll be able to always be Bucky." I mumbled, this got so... Intimate so very quick. "I hope. I'm sorry Steve, I wish I could dance with you." Bucky sighed. I laughed. "One day." I joked. "Sure." Bucky smiled. "What are you two boys doing out here?" Nat smirked, leaning up against the door frame. "Talking, Natasha." Bucky smiled slightly. "I'm glad, the cake is getting cut if you uh... Wanna get some pictures, Steve." Nat looked at me apologetically. "Yeah I'll go get my gear." I smiled. "I'll come with." Bucky nodded, following me. "Thanks." I mumbled. "Hey, maybe when I come back next time you can show me how some of this stuff works, I've always been interested in all forms of art, just never had the time." Bucky shrugged, motioning to my camera gear. "Yeah? I'd be happy to." I smiled, changing the lens and making my way over to the cake. I took photos of Clint and Natasha laughing and cutting the cake, once I was finished Bucky and I continued outside, camera strung around my shoulder and cake in hand, Bucky enjoying his first bite with a moan. "I'm guessing its good then?" I laughed, Bucky blushed and it was the cutest thing I had seen all night. "See for yourself." Before I could say anything or even move Bucky had pushed my plate into my face. "YOU LITTLE SHIT!" I shouted, wiping the cream and icing from my face, Bucky toppled over in laughter and it was infectious, I grabbed his discarded cake and smeared it all over his face. "What the HELL are you two DOING!?" Nat came out, her tone was as equally annoyed as it was amused. Clint stood beside her, frozen in his place, looking at Bucky, he seemed shocked, I didn't know why. "Shit, Natasha, I'm so sorry." He straightened up immediately and his face went back to being neutral, although I could see his eyes were still amused. "Both of you go get yourselves cleaned up in the bathroom." She sighed, walking back into the venue. "After you, dick head." I joked, gesturing to the door. "Whatever, cream face." Bucky shrugged off, going back to his closed off demeanour, damn.

Once Bucky and I had, in silence, cleaned ourselves up the best we could Bucky rushed out of the bathroom, I didn't see where he went so I didn't bother trying to find him, if he wanted me to follow him he would have waited so I made my way back to the dance floor. "Hey, I think everyone's starting to leave so you might want to collect all your gear lying around and get some candy from the candy bar before it’s all gone." Nat spoke in my ear so I could head over the music. Forty minutes later I strung my bag over my shoulder. "I'll develop the photos first thing when I get back to work!" I promised Nat. "Hey no rush, we'll be in Africa anyways, a little unknown place where there most definitely won't be internet and barely any reception, it will be great." She sighed, getting distracted. Seconds later Clint and Bucky finally made their way out of the building, oh. So Bucky was still here, I'd thought he'd maybe left. The two were laughing, Clint with his arm around Bucky's shoulders. Nat looked lovingly at her husband but Clint was looking directly at me. "Give Buck-a-roo here a ride home, he couldn't stop talking to me about your bike earlier!" Clint slurred. "And I thought I was the match maker here." Nat mumbled under her breathe. Bucky was noticeably blushing, hard. "Okay big guy, c’mon. Get in the car and we'll go back to our room, we have an early plane." Nat smiled apologetically at Bucky and kissed my cheek goodnight. "So, you like my bike, huh?" I rested my hand on the bike. "I'm sorry about earlier." Bucky spoke. "Huh?" I was confused. "Running off on you like that, I just. I needed some distance." Bucky mumbled the last part. "Oh Bucky! No need to apologise." I smiled resting my hand on his shoulder. He blushed and that made me smile. "C’mon, you'll have to uh... Wrap your hands around me, it's a bit of a trek." I mumbled awkwardly. I handed Bucky the helmet and started the bike below me.

 

* * *

 

 

I woke the next morning to a loud constant knock at my door, early. "What? What? I'm coming!" I spoke, sluggishly walking to the door. Clint was standing there in a long sleeved shirt and some jeans, bags by his side. "I told Tash I forgot my wallet so I have to be quick." He spoke before I could even greet him. "Bucky likes you." He spoke, going quite after that. "And?" I questioned confused, shrugging my shoulders. "Bucky doesn't like people. Okay I didn't even think but he's going to be around for a few days and we're leaving so do you think you could take him back to the city with you and all that?" Clint rushed out. "Bucky's cool. I'll look after him. What's his room number?" I questioned, in my sleepy state I scribbled it down on a notepad by the door. "I already ran the idea by Bucky, he said he'd be cool with whatever. Sorry to wake you." Clint hugged me before dragging his bags along beside him and rushing through the hotel. I collapsed back onto the bed, falling back asleep.

9am my alarm blared from my phone, I groaned and continued to press snooze for the next half an hour. I was slightly hungover and especially tired. I started collecting my things and going from my room to my bike in the garage strapping my bags in so there was enough room on the bike for two. After I had packed my things I made my way to Bucky's room, knocking lightly on the door. "Who is it?" Bucky shouted. "Uh, it's Steve. Clint's friend." I clarified. There was a tussling sound before the door unlocked and swung open. "Uh hey." He smiled slightly. "Hey, I've uh... I've packed my bike so I'm ready when you are, I was thinking we could grab some food first if you're up for that." I shrugged, becoming shy instantly. "Yeah, uh, come in, it'll only take me five minutes to pack my stuff. I walked into Bucky's room and saw a bunch of folders and sheets of paper spread across the bed. "Sorry that's work stuff." Bucky spoke, rushing to the bed and shoving it all into a huge folder and throwing it in a dark green army bag where I could see the rest of his clothes. "You packed light." I laughed, trying to make conversation. "Force of habit I guess." He shrugged, right, _sore subject._ "Ready." Bucky replied a few short minutes later.

The ride back to the city was quite as was lunch but I didn't mind, Bucky would maybe ease up a little when we weren't in public that seemed to be the case anyways. "Hey, uh do you mind if we stop in at my work real quick? I just have to drop off the card so they can start working on the photos." I shouted at Bucky once we reached a red light. He nodded his head, his arms squeezing my waist a little tighter. Once we reached the building Bucky took off his helmet, following me inside. "You don't have to come in if you don't want to." I opened the door for Bucky he uttered a thanks and stopped inside to wait for me while I locked it again. "I actually need to use the bathroom if that's okay?" Bucky smiled, his proper smile, the one I saw at the wedding. "Of course, follow me." I walked to the lift and we took it up to the floor, "oh, there might be some people here that uh... Say some stuff, they're joking." I clarified. "Steve? Why are you nervous?" Bucky questioned, sensing my nerves before me. "I don't know, they're a blunt bunch and I just... I don't want you to feel uncomfortable..." I mumbled the last part. "God, you really are too cute." Bucky laughed and my heart clenched, oh god. The elevator dinged saving us from the awkward situation and probably putting us in another one. "Bathroom is last on the right down that hall." I pointed and kept walking to my office, Maria would be in there. "Hey!" She smiled, she rushed over and hugged me tightly. "Hey Mar." I smiled. "So I have the card-" before I could finish Maria was squealing, "let me see! Let me see! Let me see!" She snatched the card from me as soon as I took it out of my pocket and brought it up on the wall projector, flipping through them. When she reached the wedding party she hummed appreciatively, whistling. "Who. Is. That!?" Before I could answer Bucky was behind me, answering himself. "Why thank you, the names Bucky." He laughed, smiled, even kissed Maria's hand when introducing himself. I was extremely jealous instantly, and Maria could tell. The two laughed and spoke to each other while I split the photos as evenly as I could for everyone to edit, well at least I tried to. I took my share with me and quickly left the building, pulling Bucky along with me, cutting his and Maria's conversation short. "Are... Are you pissed at me?" Bucky asked in the elevator ride down. "Nope." I shrugged. "Steve." Bucky groaned. "Okay, a little. But not pissed off... Jealous. I know, it's stupid but I mean... _I don't know._ " I fiddled with my hands awkwardly, hoping Bucky would just understand what I was saying. Bucky leaned over and placed his hand on my lower back. "Still gay, _remember._ " He whispered in my ear, I could feel his breath against my neck. But he pulled back before anything else could happen. "Tease." I muttered, Bucky just laughed.

The ride back to my apartment was short and once we arrived I parked the bike in the garage. "Wow... Nice." Bucky smiled in awe at the variety of cars in the garage. "Only the bike and the '72 Gran Torino are mine." I smiled. "You're kidding!?" Bucky stared at me like I grew two heads. "What? It's over here. My bike is just easier in the city so I use it." I shrugged, walking over to the tarp covered car. "My grandfather gave it to me in his will, we can take it for a spin later if you'd like, and you’ve got a license right?" I laughed, pulling the tarp gently from the car, Bucky's jaw nearly hit the floor. "It's the exact same as the one from the movie, y'know the one with-" I cut Bucky off. "Yeah, Clint Eastwood, my grandfather loved him, hence the car." I laughed, Bucky was in utter awe at the dark green car. "Bucky?" I questioned after a while of him just staring at the car. "Sorry, what?" He turned back to me, blushing. _God,_ he was cute when he blushed. "Later." I laughed pulling the tarp back over it. Bucky groaned but stood back. "Now my apartment is kind of a studio apartment, I hope you don't mind?" I spoke while we made our way to the stairs, it was the top floor of the seven story building. Bucky nodded his head, taking in his surroundings. "Hey... Uh so what do you want to do? Is there anywhere you want to go or anything?" The silence was beginning to make me uncomfortable. "I kind of just want to relax and hang out, y'know. I hope that's okay, maybe you can show me some photos and the basics of taking photos." Bucky's lips twitched, wanting to smile when he said the last part. "That's cool." I smiled, shrugging. "Okay, serious question..." I paused the movie playing. Bucky gulped before making a joke to cover his nerves. "Must be if you paused THE best Star Wars movie of them all." I laughed slightly, nodding my head. "Do you... Do you..." I started. "Just ask Steve, God!" Bucky rolled his eyes, impatient one he is, I'll have to remember that. "Do you... _Want Chinese or Thai?_ " I burst into laughter. "You're a dick." Bucky raised his foot and kicked my thigh. "Thai, of course." He shook his head as if it were a stupid question. After we watched too many movies and were stuffed to the brim was when we both started yawning. "I don't know about you but I'm going to start getting ready for bed." I went to the bathroom and cleaned my teeth and all that jazz. "Hey, uh... Where am I sleeping?" Bucky questioned, his tone had gone back to the same as the wedding, cold and empty. Please don't go back on me now, Bucky, C'mon. "Uh I have a huge bed." I laughed. "I'll take the lounge." Bucky nodded. Ugh. "Bucky, seriously its fine." I stood out of the bathroom and the look Bucky gave me, I swear it could kill a man. "Okay, sorry." I held my hands up in defence. I was just trying to be nice, how rude. My mood had deflated quickly and I rushed to get Bucky some stuff for the lounge, I threw it at him a little harder than I had intended though. "Steve!" Bucky grabbed my wrist but I shrugged it off and walked around the furniture to my bed, ignoring him. "Steve! Don't be like that." Bucky sighed but I just stayed quiet and eventually drifted to sleep.

I woke with droopy eyes and an ache in my stomach, not bad enough that I couldn’t put up with it but bad enough that I could constantly feel it, gross. “Steve?” I heard Bucky speak from the lounge. “Yeah?” Bucky didn’t say anything for a while. “Bucky?” I questioned again, his tone had sounded serious. “Uh… Where’s the bathroom again?” Bucky’s laugh quivered, he sounded nervous. “To your left through the sliding door.” I rolled over and sat up on the edge of the bed stretching. I hadn’t set my alarm last night so it was later than I usually get up. “Wow, we slept in a bit didn’t we?” Bucky laughed when he came back from the bathroom. “Yeah, if you get dressed we can go get some breakfast and I’ll teach you some camera stuff if you’d like?” I suggested. “Yeah, sounds good.” I heard muffling and finally stood up, grabbing a towel and making my way to the shower. Bucky was shirtless when I finally looked up, his jeans weren’t done up either. I felt the blush spread across my cheeks and neck, I instantly looked down at my feet. “I’m just going to shower real quick.” I mumbled, scrambling to the bathroom. "So if you twist this you'll get it to focus on smaller objects or pin point your focus area and if you twist it all the way around the other way you'll get an entire clear picture which is good for like landscapes and stuff." I pointed to parts of the camera while Bucky held onto it tightly. "What if I break it?" He seemed very wary of the camera. "Bucky, I have multiple others and access to so many it wouldn't matter, stop holding back." I sighed. We took photos for a good hour, Bucky insisting many times that I should teach this stuff to people. "You'd be a great teacher, Stevie." Bucky mumbled, the nickname making my heart hammer in my chest. "Y-you think so?" I stuttered, Bucky didn't answer straight away, becoming still and focused on the squirrel he was currently trying to get a picture of. "Yeah, of course!" Bucky laughed as if it was a stupid question to ask. "C’mon lets go get breakfast, I'm hungry." Bucky laughed after taking a few more photos, I was too caught up in my thoughts to even realise he had said anything until Bucky flicked my cheek. "Steve? C’mon!" He laughed. The waitress sat us in a booth at the back on Bucky's demand, why? I didn't know. Privacy probably. Bucky's eyes darted around the cafe as soon as we walked in, I realised a short while after that he was scoping out the place, where were the cameras, exits, all that jazz. He was a little paranoid. The booth was small and there was something oddly intimate about it, but I soon realised Bucky had requested it because you could see the entire cafe from this point. Like I said, paranoid. Bucky's leg brushed up against mine and I just about shivered. We ordered shortly after sitting down and looking at the menu. The waitress was nice and I caught Bucky watching her, the jealously I had yesterday rising up my chest again. Bucky's hand squeezed my knee under the table. "I think I know her father, she looks exactly like one of the men I use to work with." Bucky assured me that was the only reason why he had been looking at the waitress. He also said something about her being way too young anyways. When she walked back over and placed our meals in front of us Bucky grabbed her arm lightly, she spun around in shock. "You're Dum Dum's daughter aren't you?" Bucky asked. Her eyes flickered with recognition, then pain. "Sargent Barnes." She smiled but it didn't reach her eyes. "I'm sorry for your loss." Bucky got up from his seat and embraced the girl. "Dugan was an amazing man, you should be proud to be his daughter." Bucky pulled away from the embrace and the girls hand instantly flew up to around her neck, dog tags. "I am, I think about him every day." She smiled, this time it reached her tear filled eyes. "Good, don't ever forget him." Bucky squeezed her shoulder and she thanked him one last time. My eyes met Bucky's over the table and he smiled, "what?" He laughed. I must have looked like a deer stuck in headlights. "That was incredibly sweet of you." I mumbled. Bucky looked around quickly before placing his hand on top of mine for a few seconds, squeezing. My heart _swelled_ for the man sitting across from me. This was going to be _disastrous_.

"Steve?" Bucky walked over to me in the small kitchen area. "Yeah?" I asked, he had fallen asleep once we got home about three hours ago. His hair stuck up in all different directions and his face had a pink tinge to it, telling me he had only just woken up. "Good afternoon, have a good nap?" I laughed. "Mhhm, I wish you had woken me sooner." Bucky mumbled. "Huh?" I questioned. "Whenever I come back I always just sleep the entire time, I hate it! I wanna spend time with you." Bucky blurted out, his eyes looked panicked as if the last sentence was unintentionally spoken aloud. "You looked so peaceful." I shrugged. "Steve." Bucky whined, dragging out the end. "Bucky...” I mimicked. Bucky walked behind me and looked over my shoulder, he was so close my breath hitched in my throat. "Watcha' Makin’?" Bucky questioned. "Late Lunch." I shrugged. "Mmhhmm, smells good." Bucky rested his hand on my waist for a split second before leaving the kitchen, although it was a split second it took me _minutes_ to shake it off. "Hey, it's ready!" I called a while later when I had plated up the two dishes. Beef Stir fry. "God, I want you to cook for me forever." Bucky moaned after his first two bites. I blushed instantly. "We can arrange that." I joked back. Bucky just smiled as he continued eating. We ate in silence besides the occasional comment about the meal. "Hey Steve?" Bucky questioned once we had sat down on the lounge, deciding on a movie. Bucky continued to thank me for letting him stay and taking care of him for the last few days. "I told you, it's my pleasure, its nice having another person around anyways." I smiled warmly at Bucky I thought I could see a blush forming but he quickly looked away so I couldn't see. We decided on watching Sherlock considering Bucky had never seen it before. Once we finished the first episode Bucky had chanted, "More! More! More!" And I couldn't help but laugh and select the next episode. A season of Sherlock later we ordered dinner, both too lazy and relaxed to cook. The pizzas arrived pretty quickly and Bucky chowed down way too many pieces. "I think I'm going to explode." He groaned, slouched down on the lounge, hand gripping his stomach with an almost pained expression. "Should have eaten slower, Buck." I shrugged. "What did you say?" Bucky looked at me, like seriously looked at me. "Should have eaten slower?" I was confused as to why he was questioning what I said. "No after that!" Bucky seemed frustrated. "Buck?" I questioned, oh god he probably thinks I'm a weirdo. "Yeah." Bucky sighed. "Sorry I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or anything I ju-" Bucky cut in. "I like it." He blurted. He instantly blushed. "I normally don't like it but I don't know... Say it again." Bucky was acting unlike himself. "Bucky I-" he cut me off. "Stevie." He smirked, so he _did_ pick up on my incoherent-ness when he'd used that nickname for be earlier. _"B-Buck_!" I groaned, covering my face as I felt it instantly blush. The silence between us after that _should_ have been awkward but it wasn't. "Hey... I have to go into work tomorrow but I was thinking maybe you could tag along if you'd like and we can take the car and you can drive, y'know because we didn't get to drive it the other day like I said we would." I blubbered on. "Maybe I could show you around the office and a few more camera and editing things?" I kept going on and on, unsure to whether Bucky would want to or not, he'd stayed silent the entire time. "Bucky?" I questioned, finally looking at him. "Yeah, I'd like that." He mumbled. It was getting late so I suggested we go to sleep. "Do you think I could shower first, please?" Bucky smiled just slightly. "Of course, let me get you a towel!" I rushed to the small closet in the hallway and reached for the best bath towel I had. "Here you go." I smiled handing it to Bucky and making my way to bed as he thanked me.

Bucky was _not_ a morning person. "You're _military!_ Shouldn't you be used to waking early!" I exclaimed. "Doesn't mean I have to like it." Bucky grumbled. "C’mon, I've ordered breakfast to be delivered to the office for everyone." I pushed Bucky in the direction of the door. "What are you? You're way too nice for this early in the morning." Bucky mumbled on the way down to the garage. "I think its best if I drive for now, the afternoon once you've woken up more you can drive." Bucky nodded, silently agreeing. "Hey I rested my hand on Bucky's knee once we sat in the car. He tensed slightly but I ignored it. "Have a nap, there's normally a bit of traffic at this time." I smiled warmly towards Bucky and he just nodded his head, resting it against the window and closing his eyes. Roughly half an hour later we had arrived at the office and Bucky had slept the entire time, like an angel. My heart _leapt_ in my chest when I remembered today would be his last day, he ships back out early tomorrow morning. Not going to lie I will miss him. “Hey, Buck.” I shook him carefully, last time I woke him up he flipped and thought I was breaking in to his camp, and I was just trying to get a glass of water in the middle of the night. _“War changes you, Stevie.”_ Was all he mumbled before he turned over and went back to sleeping. If war changed Bucky all that much he did a good job at hiding it. “Hey-” I mumbled when I saw his eyes flutter open. “We’re here.” I smiled squeezing his shoulder and stepping out of the way so he could get out. “I don’t know who is working today, probably everyone so if it gets a bit hectic you just go to my private office, okay?” I smiled as we took the elevator up. “I’m sure I’ll be fine, Steve.” Bucky shrugged it off. I wanted to laugh but I just waited for the door to open, that would show him. As soon as the doors dinged I put my arm over Bucky’s chest so he wouldn’t walk straight out and I was right to, one of the workers zoomed straight past, Bucky would have knocked her over. “W-what?” Bucky stuttered, his eyes going wide as he looked at the office. People were running around, arms full of printed photos, hard drives, coffee, and laptops, everything a photography office would have. “I tried to tell you.” I shrugged, sticking my head out to check no one was rushing past before stepping out, pulling Bucky with me. “My office door is the second one, you remember?-” Bucky nodded. “- Okay go in there, I won’t be long just gotta check in with everyone.” I smiled, Bucky just nodded, a bit dazed. I walked to Sam and Darcy first, their desks adjacent for each other. “Hey, how is everyone?” I asked Darcy, pulling a chair from an empty desk nearby. Darcy got along with everyone and knew everything about them so she was easy to fill me in on what was going on in the employee’s lives, I like to make sure they’re all okay and if not I see if I can help them in anyway. “Simon’s mother finally passed away yesterday, although he insists on being here, Carol got that puppy she has been showing everyone and nothing else really interesting has happened-“ She shrugged before her eyes went wide and she started hitting me in the shoulder. "Wait! Wait! _Wait!_ Sam has a new girl that he won’t tell anyone anything about!” She smirked over at Sam who was glaring daggers at her, mumbling harmless threats under his breath. “Her name is Leila and that is all the details you’re getting because I don’t even know if it’s serious yet, she’s a reporter she travels a lot it’s hard.” Sam sighed. “Yeah, Don’t I know it?” I mumbled, my eyes flicking back to my office. “Maria told us you swung by with a man with the face of a god-“ Darcy laughed, “- Even _more_ godly than that friend of yours-“ It took her a few seconds to remember his name “-Thor!” she giggled. “God, you really are ruthless.” I laughed. “So where is he?” Sam asked from his desk, obviously listening in. “He’s here with me but it’s his last day and he’s a little tired so I sent him to my office.” I shrugged but as I looked at both Sam and Darcy their eyes bugged in their heads. “What?” I asked, confused. “Uh… Maria sent Fury in there to wait for your arrival…” Darcy mumbled, shrinking in her seat. “Crap.” I groaned before jogging to my office, panic setting in.

Fury was… well he raised me really but he left for the army a lot and I really raised myself with the help of my childhood friends parents that he trusted, he wasn’t a bad man he was just… very intimidating, also he didn’t trust anyone so an interrogation was always apart of meeting someone new. Opening the office door I was shocked to see the two men laughing, Nick had his patch on, thank god, without it… well let’s just say he doesn’t look too friendly, not that he does with it anyways. I looked confused between the too, causing them both to laugh. “Steve, my boy.” Nick laughed, coming over and hugging me tightly. “It has been too long, I though you said you would visit more last time you came around!” His voice was booming and I kicked the door closed behind me. I Looked confused between Bucky and Nick, Bucky looked different, uptight. “Sergeant Barnes, here-” Nick nodded his head in Buck’s direction. “Know each other from the army, I was once his boss, but I mean that was what… nearly ten years ago now?” Nick asked Bucky. “Yes, Sir. Ten years ago in about two months.” Bucky nodded, his eyes looked hard and emotionless, they scared me, It was worse than when he was cold as the wedding.” I laughed nervously. “Nick, I’ll walk you out.” I smiled, giving him the eyes I had mastered, the ‘I’m only being nice because someone is watching’ look. “Ah, well, looks like I’m being kicked out, hopefully I’ll see you around soon.” Nick shook Bucky’s hand and Bucky nodded along. “Hopefully, Sir.” I ushered Nick into an empty meeting room. “Why are you here? Why didn’t you call ahead of time, I’m too busy to deal with this right now, Nick.” I sighed. “What? I can’t come and see you?” Nick sounded offended but I knew better, he always had an agenda. “Just tell me what you need so I can get back to working.” I sighed, I figured Nick out long ago but he still seemed to try and use the same tactics on me, but I knew better obviously. “I honestly don’t have an agenda, I have a date later tonight and thought I’d just pop by.” He shrugged. “Well I’m sorry but I don’t have time right now, When are you leaving?, maybe we can organise something.” I suggested. Nick sighed. “Valentina and I are going out tonight and then to breakfast so you and I can go for lunch if you aren’t too busy?” He suggested. “Yeah, But I only have an hour lunch break because I’ll be here the whole day after I drop Bucky at the airport.” I smiled, maybe Nick really didn’t want anything from me this time around. “Bucky?” Nick tilted his head, confused. “Sargent Barnes.” I had to stop myself from shuddering, it felt so very wrong calling him that, and I knew he hated it. “Oh.” Nick nodded his head slowly, eyeing me up and down. “How do you know him?” Nick tried to make small talk but I shrugged him off. “Mutual friends, I really don’t have the time, I’m sorry.” I walked Nick to the elevator in silence and said goodbye, rushing straight back to Bucky in my office, only he wasn’t there. I rushed out the Darcy. “Have you seen him?” I questioned, rushed. “Who? What’s wrong?” She asked, shocked at my panicked demeanour. “Steve, he is with Maria getting the breakfast you ordered.” Sam nodded towards the room where we always set up food. I rushed to the room and politely asked Maria to leave, I would fix the rest of it up. Not remembering that the room was full of glass panels, not exactly as private as I would have liked. “Buck?” I mumbled, slightly frightened that he had gone back into his shell. “Yeah?” He mumbled. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t know he was here.” I rushed out, I felt extremely bad. “He knows you’re gay?” Bucky was waiting for me to clarify. “Yeah…?” I was confused. “He told me that if I ever hurt you he wouldn’t think twice about hurting me straight back.” Bucky muttered, oh _god_. “Does he know that you’re…?” I didn’t finish the sentence. “Not that I know of but there _is_ ways he could have found out.” Bucky mumbled, he was panicking, I could tell even through his scary calm exterior. “Please don’t do this…” I tried to grab for Bucky’s hand but he pulled it away immediately. I won’t lie, _it hurt._ It hurt like hell. More than I ever thought it could, it was bound to happen, Buck and I couldn’t be together, _ever_. “I’m sorry, strictly _friends_ , I understand.” I couldn’t help but sniffle. I had to get out of here, fast. “U-uh I-I have to go!” I rushed out so fast I nearly ran into Maria, I brushed past her and down the stairs instead of the elevator. Remembering I had not drove my bike here I sunk to the ground in the grease covered ground of the office garage and hugged my knees to my chest. I don’t know why but this hurt bad, rejection. Memories flashed through my mind of a past relationship and they wouldn’t leave, it felt like history was repeating itself. Memories of the rejected proposal flashed through my head and before I knew it I had started crying. Eric, Bucky, they were too similar. Too afraid to fully be themselves. For some reason this hurt more than Eric, this was the first time I had opened back up since Eric, maybe that’s why it hurt so bad, rejection after rejection after rejection really does stuff to someone’s self-esteem. “Steve? Steve, are you in here.” I heard Sam’s voice. Sam knew me throughout the entire Eric thing, he and Clint got me through it and over it. “Over here.” I mumbled. I heard him come closer but I didn’t dare moved, I was embarrassed. “Hey, what happened?” He asked, crouching down in front of me. “Did Fury do something?” His tone changed to annoyance at the mention of Nick. I shook my head. “So it was Bucky…?” Sam pieced it together. “Rejection sucks.” I sulked, looking up. “You mean… Bucky?” His expression changed to one of understanding. I nodded wearily. “You can’t say anything, he’ll lose his rank.” I mumbled, Sam suddenly understood it all, his face showing so. “Oh, _Steve._ ” Sam sighed, Sitting beside me and hooking his arm over my shoulders, pulling me close to his side comfortingly. _I loved a man who couldn't love me back._

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky and I took the car for a drive just outside the city after I had finished work, he was back to normal, it was a little awkward but nothing neither of us couldn’t handle. “She runs so smooth.” Bucky mumbled, accelerating. I mumbled something about her being called Monroe after Marilyn Monroe, my grandfather naming her that. I was on auto pilot, almost robot like. Although I don’t think Bucky had realised. “Hey, maybe we should go out for dinner, my last night and all. My treat, my thanks for letting me stay and mooch off of ya’” Bucky laughed, he was better at pretending than me. “You sure?” I muttered, not really up for it but I mean, I couldn’t turn him down on his last night of freedom. “Yeah, nothing too fancy though.” He tried to laugh it off but I understood why, something casual so it didn’t look like a date. I sighed, “Yeah, there is a pub two blocks from my apartment with nice steaks, you can’t miss it, it’s called, Van Antelope.” I spoke, monotone, auto-pilot, robot like. Bucky nodded silently and turned the car around, heading back to the city.

“I really am thankful, Steve.” Bucky laughed, we had maybe drunk a little too much, me more so than Bucky but still way too much. “Of course you are!” I laughed, unlocking the door. “Steve.” Bucky spoke, quietly and breathlessly. He grabbed my arm and turned me to face him, flashbacks of the wedding came to mind but I pushed them aside. “Don’t hate me.” He mumbled. “Bucky-” I laughed, he is an outright idiot. “I don’t hate you, quite frankly I’m kind of _in-_ ” Bucky cut me off when he shoved me against the wall. “Don’t say it, you _idiot._ ” Bucky spoke. He was hurting me. “B-Buck, _Ouch!_ ” I screamed when he bawled his fist in my shirt and pushed me up the wall. “You frustrate me so much, I rethink my entire _existence._ ” He was staring at me, my feet were barely touching the ground. “Put me down!” I exclaimed, angry. Bucky seemed shocked and dropped me straight away. I attacked him. I wasn’t exactly small but compared to Bucky’s military trained physique I could probably _barely_ bruise him. I hit his chest over and over again, angry, upset, overwhelmed and he just stood there and took it. I eventually broke down and sunk down to the ground. Bucky lifted me and walked to my bed. “My last night… can’t believe it.” He was muttering something under his breath. When Bucky placed me down on the bed I expected him to leave but when he climbed in beside me I felt like I was going to explode, yet it was bitter sweet. “You _would_ wait for the last night.” I mumbled. Bucky said nothing and just pulled me into his chest, I felt his breathing even out but I didn’t want to sleep, I was still buzzing, from the alcohol or being this close to Bucky I didn’t know, I didn’t want to miss a second of it but wrapped in Bucky’s warm arms with him sleeping steadily beside me made me feel so content I couldn’t help but fall into a calm blissful but bittersweet sleep.

I woke from my alarm and 4 am and groaned, _four hours sleep was not a good idea._ Bucky, of course was already awake and nowhere near my bed. I got up to see his shadow in the morning darkness, he was in the kitchen, drinking water, dressed in his uniform and his bag close by the door. My heart clenched, this was it? “Bucky-” I tapped his shoulder but when he turned around he had the look. The cold, emotionless look. Things clicked together, the coldness at the wedding, yesterday when he saw Nick, this was Sargent Barnes, and the one he warned be about at the wedding, his words rung through my head. ** _“As soon as I applied I became two people, Bucky-” he had gestured to himself in the moment “And James, You’d be surprised how different he is.”_** Oh yes, how different he was, he was shaved, short combed over hair, posture more stiff and he showed no emotion, they did look like two different people, the only thing the same between them was the eyes, although emotionless they were still Bucky. “Let’s go.” I muttered, I had gotten dressed into the first thing I grabbed from my closet, a button up and black jeans. I took the bike because to be honest I couldn’t be bothered to uncover the car and once Bucky was gone I needed to clear my head, my bike would help with that. I strapped Bucky’s bag in and hoped over the front. Bucky getting on afterwards, although this time he decided against wrapping his hands around me and somehow stayed on another way even though I had no passenger holders. It didn’t take long to reach the airport as there was hardly any traffic and I had maybe sped a little over the limit, my heart grew heavier the closer we seemed to get. “I’ll walk you to the gate.” I mumbled.

I was trying to get _something_ out of him. He nodded and swung his bag over his shoulder. _**‘C’mon Buck, show me something! Anything!’**_ I thought as we reached the gate, the airport littered with people, a few others in uniform as well. We had gotten to the airport only five minutes before the called for Bucky’s plan to board. He turned to face me and sighed. “Thank you for housing me, _Steven_. I very much appreciate it and if I ever make my way back here in the future I’ll be sure to contact you.” He bowed his head and I nodded, tearing up. He turned to leave but I grabbed his arm, pulling him back and wrapping my arms tightly around him, he tensed but right as I went to pull away _he squeezed back_ , for a _split_ second **he squeezed back.** Bucky had hugged me back, he had given me a sign! Bucky cared, even if he wouldn’t admit it. “I’ll miss you.” I mumbled as he walked away, as clique as it sounded, it felt like he took a part of me with him on that plane, as if he had taken a chip off of my heart just for keepsake. I knew we would never work out, not at least until he left the army and we both knew that wasn’t happening anytime soon and I wasn’t going to put Bucky’s job in jeopardy by trying have something between us.

I couldn’t wait for Bucky, I had to move on. I had to say goodbye.


End file.
